realization.

?

freedom.

3 Days.

will i ever be?

I don't think I'm quite done loving you yet.

i will. oneday.

waiting.

Even the strongest fall down sometimes,
Even the best fail,
Even the happiest will cry,
and even the most broken heart will repair itself.

In time.

coping.

It's the worst feeling in the world to love and hate someone at the same time. And it's hard watching things change, when all you want is for them to stay the same. It's funny, but it's stupid, how you want everything and nothing. When you want to let go, but you keep holding on. And you want to move on, but you're stuck.

-Natalie

hope.

You only entered my mind a million and one times today, so I must be getting better, right?

finished.

And when we were done,
I did all the things you hated.

finally.

wish.

pain.

This isn't even hurting,
This is feeling nothing at all.

confusion.

Funny how hate is so closely related to love,

I hate you.

I look back and realize I hate you a lot.

It makes me wonder if I actually hated you the whole time.

Because surely the hate cannot appear so fast,

Considering I thought I loved you.

explain.

done.

And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe.

story of us.

And I'm dying to know
Is it killing you
Like it's killing me?

The battle's in your hands now
But I would lay my armor down
If you said you'd rather love than fight

worth the fight.

I've been told at least a thousand times,
It's not worth the struggle, the hurt or the trouble.
But I wont surrender, I'll wait here forever.

sorry.

everyones lesson.

fifteen days.

I didn't cry today,
I didn't get upset today,
I didn't get angry today,
I didn't snap and go insane,
didn't yell,
didn't scream,
didn't lose it.

Today was good because I felt nothing.

death.

The end is no where near,
This is only the beginning.

never.

I honestly think I hate you,
Think about it, it makes sense-

you told me you cared,
you don't.

you took something from me,
and I regret it.

you told me you hated her,
now your in love with her.

you told me to trust you,
I cant.

you promised you wouldn't,
then you did.

you said "next time",
when you knew there wasn't going to be.

you planned it all out,
and I had no idea.

I always offered,
you never did.

I put up with it,
you couldn't.

I said it,
you didn't.

Your a hypocrite,
of the worst kind.

And I think I hate you,
almost as much as I love you.

worth.

Just because someone isn't worthy of your love,
doesn't mean they don't have your love.

give up caring.

heart on hold.

I miss you.

reality.

To fail over and over again.
It's all I ever seem to do.
Things will never change.

it will.

answers.please.

human strength.

I can never resist.

Doesn't matter how much it hurts,
Doesn't matter that my friends tell me not to,
Doesn't matter that it always ends in increasing amounts of pain,

It doesn't matter because when I'm talking to you, it feels good, like there is a tiny bit of hope that this isn't as bad as it feels, that when everything is good again we'll be good again.

And then the conversation ends and the pain is worse than it was before,
But I can never resist.

maybe.

One day I'll be ok.

but that day isn't today,
or tomorrow
or the next.

or anytime in the near future.

But I want you to know, that one day I will be ok.

untrustworthy.

I promise to never believe you again.

my own hell.

Do you know what its like to be trapped here?
trapped in a place where they only tell you what you cant do.
forced to obey your own peers rules.
bossed about by people who you have no respect for.
stuck in a place where everyone hates you, and you them.
controlled by people who know nothing.
begrudgingly made to be happy.
Do you not even comprehend what this is like for me?

all thats left is to miss.

We will never be us again, never touch or kiss, never be the others cause for smiling, never feel the same way, never be the reason to have to run to that bus, never tell each other our secrets, share anything, promise anything, never laugh together, or smile together, never fight again, and make up again, never be reason for the others excitement, never have to look after the other, never sit opposite each other on a train, never introduce to friends, never stay up late talking, never see stupid movies together, never have fun together, never hold hands, never fall asleep in the others arms, never make the personal jokes, never support the other, never barrack for the other, never make trips across the city just to see each other, never drink coffee at 11 at night, never pull the piss, never lay in each others arms watching fireworks, never say goodbye again, never apologize again. We will never be us again.

power;

can love turn into hate?
and if so how fast?
I can feel it inside me, this building feeling,
Like all I felt for you turning into something else entirely.

But maybe its just the process.
Maybe this is moving on.
I've never had to recover from something like this,
So how do I know what I feel?

pieces.

I fell in love with you,
and for that I am sorry.
I didn't realize that's what would end us.

Just because you didn't love me the way I wanted you to,
doesn't mean you didn't care.

I realize now that you did, and I was just to blinded to see,
blinded by my own love for you.

six months.

free.

Let's just,

give up.

Forever,

Never try.

You'll stay whole that way.

you should know.

The glint wont be there tomorrow. the smile will be fake. the eyes will look like glass because there holding back tears. no tears will fall though. I want to show you that I'm happy for you. that this isn't killing me inside. that I haven't cried myself to sleep. that my five year long dream was obliterated and I don't care. Your my friend. and I love you. I am happy for you. but I deserved it just as much. I'm putting on my human face. with no running makeup. with nothing out of place. with nothing for people to stare at. tomorrow your my friend. and I love you. I am happy for you. but the glint is gone. the smile is fake. the eyes are full of tears. I do care.

this is killing me inside.

weak interior.

tough exterior.

tomorrow.

the beautiful end.

relapse.

its only a heart,

unknowingly broken with no idea how to be fixed.

ghost

Sometimes I miss you.
the old you,
the one with a heart,
who thought about what they said,
who cared about other people,
who had common decency.

I don't know if i should let this person go, or if I should wait around with this new person, who is only a ghost of who I know you really are, for your return.
In all honesty I am tired,
How long must one put up with this,
Before they realize that they are only haunted by your former self.

butterflies.

change.

I forgive to much,
and forget to little.

selfish acts.

I never thought I would become one of those pathetic girls who sat around and waited for the phone to ring, yet here I am staring at it. In a vain hope that you will actually chose to talk to me after everything I just put you through. I'm a pathetic girl who's love seems to have gotten the better of her, because here I am waiting...

spanish steel.

I know that the only thing i can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other, hoping none of these secrets on my shoulders will make me lose my balance.

because our truths cut like Spanish steel.

for real this time

again.

Please?

A heart that feels so devoid of anything,
I wonder how I will ever feel whole again.

both.

irony.

"I'm gonna change, I'll do better, Things are gonna get better, I promise."

How many times must I be continuously tricked into believing this. How many times must you fuck over someone and I forgive you although my better judgment tells me not to. How many times must you screw me over but I let it go. How many times must we make fun of the stupid situation but I never learn. How many times must I forgive you? How many times until I learn?


So much for change.

tears.

I can feel the end.
Lets hang on, I know were stronger than this.

please.

i wanna dress up.

today's lesson.

your fault.

"I feel sick"
Irrevocably screwing up another human being will do that to you.

"Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold"

The ocean is bleeding salt.

innocent.

“when someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. you just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” (billy – age 4)

“love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” (terri – age 4)

“love is when my mummy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is ok.” (danny – age 7)

“love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” (noelle – age 7)

the start after the end.

A year ago,
I couldn't look myself in the mirror
I couldn't smile
I couldn't talk
I couldn't laugh
I couldn't breathe
I couldn't be happy

I felt like this.


A year on
I still have these thoughts,
only occasionally.
I smile, talk, laugh,
BREATHE
And with ease.
But I can't be truly happy.
Not until those thoughts disappear-

But right now its nice to sometimes feel like this.

a year ago, I tried to kill myself.

almost goodbye.

I'm kind of really fucked up,
on the inside.

It's all dark and scary in there.
only one person saw the inside,
and she ran for the hills.
only one person knows the truth,
and she ignores it.
only one person knows the stories,
and she doesn't care.

Now I need to tell him.
But it's all screwed up and twisted in there.
what if he see's the inside, and runs.
what if he finds out the truth, and ignores it.
what if I told him the stories, and he doesn't care.

What then?
I'll be left broken, again.
I don't think I'm gonna have the energy to pull it back together, again.

What if he see's the inside.
What if he see's the real me.

just the definition of my life.

In all honesty your finger prints have never faded from my life.



as much as I thought I had scrubbed them,
burnt them,
I still care for the same amount as I did,
when all of it happened.

left for dead.

There is so much I'm not telling anyone,
so many stupid things
that are eating away at me.

It's like a nagging, pulling, pushing, ripping,
drowning feeling.
All at the same time, like if people don't find out soon then it'll kill me.

They need to know,
but I still want them to think of me as their little girl.
even though I'm not.

She needs to know,
because she still means a lot to me, even though I hate her.
and at the same time I don't.

They need to know,
Even though I'm acting as if I don't care, I don't think I'll forgive them.
but I have to, their all I've got.

He needs to know,
the past, what happened that made me the way I am now.
and that I love him.

It's all bottled up, and it's going to explode its going to fizz and bubble and grow and push it's way to the surface until it all come out in a horrible way.

But I cant tell them,
These secrets have left me drained to the point
where I don't have the energy to release them.

the dream.

One day I'm just gonna leave,
fly away,
leave all this drama,
and be happy.

sarcasm.

Oh sorry,
I was under the impression it was my choice.

future.

The Most Beautiful Place In The World.

Do you?

"Love gives you wings. It makes you fly. I don't even call it love. I call it Geronimo. When you're in love, you'll jump right from the top of the Empire State and you won't care, screaming "Geronimo" the whole way down. I love her so bad, I just... whoa, she wrecks me. I'd die for her"

Feel this way for me?

together.

It's times like these,
that when everything else is changing
and being turned upside down

Your my constant.


I love you,

and right now that's all I need,
it's all that matters.

truth.

"Well, I know what I would do"

It's not that easy,
there are so many reasons for me to do it
but so many more for me not to.

Life is all over the place and sometimes you just want order-
and yet everybody is asking you to go a million miles an hour.

So good for you knowing that you know what you'd do if you were in my situation.

But I don't, I need some time to decide,
and it's time your refusing to give me.